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You are watching: Fuck you and your fucking feelings


There room feelings and also then there space meta-feelings. Life isn't around feeling remarkable all the time, it's around understanding both the good and negative feelings.

12 minute readPsychology
Look, I recognize you think the truth you feeling upset or upset or worried is important. That it matters. Hell, you most likely think that due to the fact that you feel choose your challenge just gained shat on renders you important. But it doesn’t. Feeling are simply these… points that happen. The definition we build about them—what us decide is vital or unimportant—comes later.

There are just two reasons to do anything in life: a) because it feeling good, or b) due to the fact that it’s other you think to be an excellent or right. Periodically these two factors align. Miscellaneous feels an excellent AND is the ideal thing come do and that’s just fucking fantastic. Let’s litter a party and also eat cake.

But much more often, these two things don’t align. Something feeling shitty but is right/good (getting up at 5AM and also going to the gym, hanging out v grandma Joanie because that an afternoon and also making certain she’s still breathing), or something feeling fucking great but is the bad/wrong thing to do (pretty much anything including penises).

Acting based on our feel is easy. You feeling it. Climate you do it. It’s choose scratching an itch. There’s a sense of relief and also cessation that comes in addition to it. That a quick satisfaction. Yet then the satisfaction is gone simply as conveniently as the came.

Acting based upon what’s good/right is difficult. Because that one, learning what is good/right is not always clear.1 You often have to sit down and also think hard about it. Often we have to feel ambivalent around our conclusions or fight v our lower impulses.

But when we do what’s good/right, the positive impacts last much longer. Us feel pride remembering it years later. Us tell ours friends and family about it and give ourselves cute small awards and put shit on ours office walls and say, “Hey! i did that!” once our co-workers come in and ask why we have actually a trophy v a goat capturing a frisbee on our bookshelf (don’t ask).

The suggest is: law what is good/right build self-esteem and also adds meaning to ours lives.


Your Tricky Brain

So we should just disregard our feelings and just perform what is good/right all the moment then, right? it’s simple.

Well, like many things in life, it is simple. But that no necessarily mean it’s easy.

The difficulty is the the brain doesn’t like to feel conflicted around its decision making. It doesn’t prefer uncertainty or ambiguity and will do psychological acrobatics to avoid any discomfort.

And ours brain’s favorite method to carry out this is to always shot to to convince itself that whatever feels good is the same as what is good/right.

So you know you do not do it eat that ice cream. Yet your brain says, “Hey, you had actually a hard day, a tiny bit won’t death ya.” and you’re like, “Hey, you’re right! Thanks, brain!” What feels an excellent suddenly feel right. And also then girlfriend shamelessly inhale a pint of Cherry Garcia.

You know you do not do it cheat on her exam, but your brain says, “You’re functioning two work to placed yourself through college, unlike these spoiled brats in your class. You deserve a small boost indigenous time to time,” and also so girlfriend sneak a emergence at your classmate’s answers and also voila, what feels good is also what feel right.

You recognize you have to vote, but you call yourself the the mechanism is corrupt, and also besides, her vote won’t issue anyway. And so you stay home and play through your new drone that’s most likely illegal to fly in her neighborhood. However fuck it, who cares? This is America and also the whole suggest is to gain fat doing everything you want. That’s like, the 6th amendment, or something.2

If you perform this sort of thing lengthy enough—if you to convince yourself the what feels good is the very same as what is good—then your brain will actually start to mix the two up. Your mind will begin thinking the whole point of life is to just feel really awesome, as frequently as possible.

And when this happens, you’ll start deluding yourself right into believing the your feelings actually matter. And also once that happens, well…

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If this is rubbing girlfriend the wrong means right now, simply think about it for a second. Everything that’s screwed increase in your life, opportunities are it gained that method because friend were as well beholden to your feelings. You were too impulsive. Or too self-righteous and thought you yourself the facility of the universe.

Feelings have actually a method of law that, you know? They do you think she the facility of the universe. And also I dislike to it is in the one come tell you, however you’re not.

A many young people hate hear this due to the fact that they thrived up through parents who worshipped your feelings as children, and protected those feelings, and tried come buy as numerous candy corns and swimming class as crucial to make sure those feelings to be nice and also fuzzy and protected at every times.

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Sadly, this parents more than likely did this since they were likewise beholden to their very own feelings, because they to be unable to tolerate the ache of watching a child struggle, also if just for a moment.

They didn’t realize that children need some managed measure that adversity to build cognitively and emotionally, that experiencing failure is actually what sets united state up for success, and that demanding come feel great all the moment is pretty much a first-class ticket to having no friends once you struggle adulthood.

This is the trouble with organizing your life around feelings:

Your Feelings room Self-Contained

They are wholly and also solely experienced only by you. Her feelings can not tell friend what’s best for your mommy or your career or your neighbor’s dog. They can’t tell girlfriend what’s finest for the environment. Or what’s best for the next parliament the Lithuania. All they have the right to do is tell you what’s ideal for you… and also even that is debatable.

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A bad philosophy for life.

Your Feelings room Temporary

They just exist in the moment they arise. Her feelings cannot tell friend what will certainly be an excellent for you in a main or a year or 20 years. They can’t tell friend what was finest for you once you to be a son or what friend should have studied in school. All they can do is tell you what is finest for friend now… and even the is debatable.

Your Feelings space Inaccurate

Ever been talking to a friend and also thought girlfriend heard them say this horrible typical thing and also start to gain upset and then that turned the end your friend didn’t say that horrible, median thing in ~ all, you just heard the wrong?

Or ever got really jealous or upset v somebody close come you for a totally imagined reason? choose their phone dies and also you start thinking they hate you and never favored you and were just using you because that your boy George tickets?

Or ever before been really excited to go after something you thought was walk to do you into a huge bad ass but then later on realized the it was all just an ego trip, and also you pissed turn off a lot of civilization you cared about along the way?

Feelings kind of suck in ~ the whole truth thing. And that’s a problem.


Why It’s tough to obtain Over Your own Feelings

Now, nobody of what ns saying is really that surprising or new. In fact, you’ve most likely tried to obtain over several of your very own obnoxious feelings and also impulses before and also failed to carry out it.

The trouble is once you begin trying to manage your very own emotions, the emotions multiply. It’s favor trying come exterminate rabbits. The fuckers simply keep popping up everywhere the place.

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Be vewy, vewy quiet, ns trying to eliminate my fucking feelings.

This is since we don’t just have actually feelings around our experiences, we additionally have feeling about our feelings. I call these “meta-feelings” and they quite much damage everything.

There room four types of meta-feelings:

Feeling bad around feeling great (guilt)Feeling an excellent about feeling an excellent (ego/narcissism)

Here, permit me placed those right into a pretty small table because that you to rigid at:

Meet your Meta-Feelings

Feeling Bad about Feeling bad (Self-Loathing)


– too much self-criticism– Anxious/Neurotic behavior– Suppression that emotions– interact in a lot of fake niceness/politeness– emotion as though something is wrong with you
– moral indignation– Condescension in the direction of others– emotion as despite you deserve something rather don’t– Seeking the end a consistent sense of powerlessness and victimization
– Self-congratulatory– Chronically evaluate yourself; a delusionally-positive self-perception– can not to handle failure or rejection– prevents confrontation or discomfort– continuous state the self-absorption

Meta-feelings are component of the story we call ourselves around our feelings. They make us feel justified in ours jealousy. Lock applaud united state for our pride. They shove our deals with in our own pain.

They’re usually the feeling of what is justified/not justified. They’re our very own acceptance of exactly how we should respond emotionally and also how we shouldn’t.

But emotions don’t respond to shoulds. Emotions suck, remember?

And therefore instead, these meta-feelings have actually the tendency to rip united state apart inside, even further.

If you always feel an excellent about emotion good, girlfriend will become self-absorbed and also feel licensed has been granted to those roughly you. If feeling good makes you feeling bad about yourself, then you’ll end up being this walking, talk pile the guilt and also shame, feeling as despite you worthy nothing, have actually earned nothing, and also have naught of worth to market to the human being or the world roughly you.

And then there are those who feel bad around feeling bad. This “positive thinkers” will certainly live in are afraid that any type of amount the suffering indicates that something need to be sorely wrong through them. This is the Feedback Loop from Hell that numerous of us room thrust right into by our culture, ours family and the self-help sector at large.

But possibly the worst meta-feeling is increasingly the many common: feeling good about emotion bad. People who feel great about feeling negative get to gain a particular righteous indignation. They feel morally superior in their suffering, that they are somehow martyrs in a cruel world. These self-aggrandizing victimhood trend-followers are the ones that want to shit top top someone’s life top top the internet, who want to march and also throw shit at politicians or businessmen or celebrities who are merely doing their ideal in a hard, complicated world.

Much of the society strife the we’re experiencing today is the an outcome of these meta-feelings. Moralizing mobs top top both the politics right and left check out themselves as victimized and also somehow distinct in every miniscule pains or setback castle experience. Greed skyrockets if the wealthy congratulate us on being rich in tandem through the raising rates the anxiety and depression together the lower and middle classes dislike themselves for feeling left behind.

These narratives are spun not just by ourselves but fed through the narratives created in the media. Right-wing talk present hosts stoke the flames that self-righteousness, developing an addiction to irrational fears the people’s society is crumbling roughly them. Political mim on the left produce the same self-righteousness, but instead of appeal to fear, lock appeal come intellect and arrogance. Consumer society pushes girlfriend to do decisions based on feeling great and then congratulates you because that those decisions, if our faiths tell us to feeling bad around how poor we feel.


Control Meaning, not Emotions

To unspin these story we have to come ago to a an easy truth:

Feelings nothing necessarily typical anything.

They just mean whatever you permit them to mean.

Maybe i’m sad today. Possibly there space eight various reasons I can be sad today. Maybe some of them space important and also some of them aren’t. Yet I obtain to decide how crucial those reasons are—whether those factors state something around my personality or whether it’s just one the those sad days.

This is the ability that’s perilously missing today: the ability to de-couple an interpretation from feeling, come decide the just since you feel something, that doesn’t median life is that something.

Fuck your feelings. Sometimes, good things will certainly make you feel bad. Sometimes, bad things will certainly make you feeling good. The doesn’t change the reality that they space good/bad. Sometimes, you will feel bad about feeling good about a bad thing and you will certainly feel good about emotion bad about a great thi—you recognize what? fuck it. Simply fuck feelings.

This doesn’t mean you should overlook your feelings. Feelings are important. However they’re crucial not for the factors we think lock are. We think they’re important because they speak something around us, around the world, and around our relationship with it. But they to speak none of this things. There’s no definition attached come feelings. Sometimes you hurt for a an excellent reason. Occasionally for a bad reason. And also sometimes no factor at all. The hurt chin is neutral. The factor is separate.

The allude is that you get to decide. And many of us have actually either forgotten or never realized that fact. But we decision what our pain means. Simply as we decide what our successes expose.

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And much more often than not, any answer other than one will certainly tear girlfriend apart inside. And also that price is: nothing.