Twitter icon A stylized bird with an open up mouth, tweeting. Twitter LinkedIn icon The indigenous "in". LinkedIn Fliboard symbol A stylized letter F. Flipboard connect icon photo of a chain link. That symobilizes a website link url. Copy connect
This story is available exclusively come Insider subscribers. End up being an Insider and start reading now.
*

begin a casual conversation before getting right into anything romantic. China Photos/Getty One girlfriend of mine met her now-fiancé ~ above the new York City subway.But most every various other friend that mine has actually a story about seeing who on the subway, or the bus, or the line at the drugstore, and wanting to talk to them but not knowing exactly how — and letting the moment pass lock by.

You are watching: How to ask out a stranger

How do you strike up a conversation through someone you don"t recognize without coming off as creepy, while tho making the clear that you"re interested?

The short answer: It"s hard.

For the lengthy answer, let"s revolve to Jordan Harbinger, hold of "The art of Charm" podcast, where he shares advice on networking and relationship building, romantic and otherwise. Harbinger recently showed up on an additional podcast — "The James Altucher Show" — and gave some pointers top top the dilemma pointed out above.

Back when he to be single, Harbinger said he spotted a mrs on the train that was texting furiously.

"Are you gonna compose the whole publication on your phone?" that asked her.

It turned the end the woman was really open up to conversation, and told him how she want to text her friend, yet there to be no company underground, so she to be preparing a blog post she can send as soon as lock surfaced. She and Harbinger finished up gaining into a discussion about how stroked nerves it would be if there to be cell company on the train, and how they appreciated the respite native technology.

The trick below is that Harbinger didn"t open up with a traditional pick-up heat (Altucher suggested, "I didn"t get your text. Have the right to you resend it?") or anything that would directly signal his interest.

That"s because he placed himself in the woman"s shoes and also tried to figure out what she"d be thinking or worrying around if a random male started talking to she — that assumed it to be safety. So he tried come disarm her.

"That to be a nice nonthreatening general thing to say," he said of the opened line he ended up using. After they developed some rapport, he might theoretically ask for her number. (Harbinger didn"t expose on the podcast whether he did that.)


*

Shutterstock one more trick he occasionally uses?

Instead that speaking directly to the person he"s interested in, he"ll talk to that human being and someone rather seated close to him. "Now it"s simply a conversation andI happen to be leading it," that told Altucher.

Harbinger"s advice jibes with research study on flirting: A 1986 study uncovered that women normally prefer "innocuous" opening lines to direct openers or pick-up lines. Think, "Which team room you rooting for?" or, "How do you like the band?" (Men, on the other hand, have tendency to prefer direct lines, like, "Can i buy girlfriend a drink?")

Keep in mind, though: Harbinger states not everyone will be open to conversation. This is just a way to boost your possibilities of obtaining the object of her affection to talk to you. That told Altucher that getting great at this sort of relationship structure ultimately comes down to persistence and patience.

See more: Here'S How To Join A Crew In Gta 5 How To Invite To Crew In Gta Online

Citing the occupational of the psychologist Anders Ericsson, he said it"s all about "deliberate practice," which involves having a goal and figuring out exactly what go wrong if you don"t reach it. What can you say next time that won"t placed the human on their guard or rotate them off?

The takeaway here seems to be that it help to imagine just how you would feeling if girlfriend were that person and also someone approached you while you to be going around your business. If you"d feel even a small bit skeeved out by the line you"re around to use, it"s probably ideal to find another one.